Thriller

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JOKES SAMPLE RESUME:
My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn’t concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it –mainly because it was a sew-sew job.Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme.I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn’t cut the mustard.My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn’t have any patience.

Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn’t fit in.

I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but it was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
SOOOOOOO…..
I TRIED RETIREMENT
AND FOUND THAT
I’M PERFECT FOR THE JOB.
Man, Oh, man, do I enjoy it !!!!
—
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of ‘cocktails’, ‘highballs’ and just a good old-fashioned ’stiff drink’. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

JOKES:9 Things I Hate About Everyone1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time…. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.3 When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Damn right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?4 When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!5 When people say while watching a film “did you see that?”. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.6 People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?7. When something is ‘new and improved!’. Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.8 When people say “life is short”. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
———–
5 minute management course Lesson 1:A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that
towel. ‘After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’
‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.
‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?’Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.
5 minute management course Lesson 2:A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up her leg again.
The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.


5 minute management course
Lesson 3:A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish..’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas
, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’
Puff! She’s gone.’Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’
Puff! He’s gone.’OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.5 minute management course Lesson 4:An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and
do nothing?’
The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.5 minute management course Lesson 5:A turkey was chatting with a bull.
‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,’ sighed the
turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.”Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull.
They’re packed with nutrients.’
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
of the tree.He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.Moral of the story:
Bullsh…t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there..5 minute management course Lesson 6:A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!